Granted it would be more impressive if I didn't work at a hospital. Still the mere fact that there is such a thing as a room especially designed and designated to all things enemas - that's impressive in a Waters kinda way.

As if enemas weren't enough, I today also came across an infant that appeared to be speaking, I've never experienced that before. Babies cry, that's what they do and even though I can on some level understand how parents might be able to separate a "I'm hungry"-cry from a "I need the enema-room"-cry, I've never really experienced it myself. Today however there was this kid at work, s/he couldn't have been more than a month or two tops and s/he appeared to be having a conversation. S/he wasn't crying persay it was more like fussing in a way that sounded very much like she was actually trying to have a conversation. The rhythm and intonations of her fussing and whimpering were so similar to speech that I was a little blown away, freaked even.

It also made me realise I am so much better at death than new life. Death I understand, death fascinates and there is an insane amount in creativity to be found in the destruction of human life. The creation of human life on the other hand...I draw a blank, I don't understand it. Like conversing infants it freaks me because it takes me by surprise and I have no real relation to it. I understand it must take place for life to continue, but at the same time I cannot comprehend it. I try and I try, but I can't understand how those tiny little things grow up to become adults. Infants and children really do feel like they are a different species. I know that once upon a time I was one of "them", but it's like a butterfly trying to remember being a caterpillar. I'm not saying children are inferior to adults, just different. You know like a man can be different from a woman or a woman from a pear. There really shouldn't be any difference in their value, yet somehow there is. I don't get it. And I don't get new life.

After a week on my back in the sun it is good to be forming coherent thoughts again, even if it means getting up at 5AM.

Two new reviews for the Great Rewatch are now up if anyone's interested.

The Titans - 1x07(XWP)
Angel - 1x07(BtVS)

I can't make up my mind, I once again find myself going between "I Walk The Line" and "Killing In The Name" though this time in a more philosophical and general way.

Is it better to keep pushing, keep prodding where you know you will upset in order to change and provoke the accepted norms? Or should one simply turn ones back and create a new world, separate oneself from exists and carve your own piece of the existing existence?

Perhaps I'm PMS, perhaps it is because I just watched pictures of my grandmother dressed up as a gangster (moustache and suspenders included), perhaps it's because I was just disfigured by a vicious gang of mosquitoes, perhaps it is because of the "Summer of Discomfort", but currently I feel like I'm stagnating, losing energy and drive. I feel like its time to bite my thumb at those who disagree, I feel myself wanting to push limits.

I'm angry queer again and I kinda like it. I kinda wanna go with it, push it, push people. Turning the other cheek is incredibly beautiful, but perhaps it's better to leave the masochism where it belong, in the bedroom. The problem though is that these urges aren't born out of anything idealistic or beautiful, but a more basal urge for vengeance. To force the pain on others instead of accepting it, and that's not very nice. Then again revolution never is painless and I think I actually do believe in revolution. But will that not simply make me into the same thing that I want to fight, will I not be the giver of pain in such a scenario? And if so why fight in the first place when it's just one vicious circle of pain? Wouldn't it be better for me to endure the pain than to pass it on? After all, two wrongs doesn't make a right.

That said, who will stand up for what I believe in if I don't? Then again why should I stand up for what I believe in when so many people clearly don't believe the same thing?

How can I possibly make up my mind as to what kind of person I want to be?

Are you a pusher or a pacifist? What's your ideal?



(and I wasn't kidding about the mosquitoes, one third of my forearm is one giant bite, it's almost frightening)

I had nothing real against Michael Jackson a week ago, he was not a person I ever really considered. However his death and the current reactions from fans is starting to actually really put me off him as a consequence of my reaction to his fans.

We should show his family respect, and understand their grieving. We should also remember and pay tribute to his music and the impact he actually had on the visibility of "black music". Those things are worth remembering and admiring. However Michael Jackson as a person wasn't a god and he most definitely does not deserve the sanctification his fans are engaging in. He was a victim who grew up to be a victimiser, and I'm not talking about any alleged accusations, but any man who dangles his son off a balcony does not deserve my respect. It doesn't matter what he do for a living, that's just not okay.

However in this case death is supposed to be his absolution? All the questionable decision, all the doubt is supposed to fade away simply because he has left us? I don't get it, and I never will. For me you can never achieve absolution through death. Death is simply the end to one chapter, it's the full stop and it doesn't change what came before.

Admire his music and remember his contribution to the world. Don't sanctify him, recognize his flaws as well as his achievements. He wasn't a god, he was a talented and broken human being. I think remembering that is the biggest honour we can give him, as well as ourselves.

I've been planning on doing this for a long time, but last night I needed some relief from the oppressing heat outside and ended up actually watching The Phantom (1996) again. This used to be mine and my nephew's favourite movie when we were younger, but as I grew older new things appeared, so here's the result, a heavily bent review.

( An in-depth analysis of The Phantom - from a Queer Perspective )

[I'm not so fond of this episode, but I really don't like to dwell on downers therefore I decided to take what I did like from it and run with it. Of course the running ended up in a mad dash filled with butchering of previously accepted interpretations of the episode and interactions. Hope you enjoy :D]
( 'Old Ares Had A Farm - analysis from a G/A perspective )

When you step out of the shower and it takes all your self-discipline not to put your foot on the toilet and declare; "Tremble and bow down before me you insignificant lumps of humanity, for I am the Monarch!". For no other reason than it would feel strangely fitting.

Or when you're riding your bike home from work and a car pulls out in front of you and you have to bite your tongue not to exclaim, "Minions! Kill this man at once!".

I have been watching way too much.

Why do people have to be so hateful about the things they don't like?

I mean I get not liking something, I really do. There are loads of things I don't like, but I never pay tribute to them by focusing on them. If I dislike something I ignore it, or rearrange my world until I don't have to deal with the issue that bothers me.

Hate on the other hand is something else entirely, but hate is also closely linked to love and that I have no problems displaying openly, at least not in the binary world. Still I'd much rather write an ode to my love than to my hatred (even though they are the same thing really). I mean why do some people rather take the time to post a comment on how much they dislike a YouTube vid, than to instead use that time to move on and find something they love?

What is there to gain out of continually focusing on what you dislike?

Thus begins the Summer of Discomfort.

Discomfort was proclaimed my theme for this summer, and I think it will fit. Ideas of me wearing a skirt were thrown around as the ultimate. I'm not sure I will go that far, but I will try to do things that are outside of my comfort zone this summer. Push a few silly and personal boundaries just for the sake of pushing them, to hope to grow as a person.

It started this weekend already as I had a disturbingly vivid and erotic dream about Angelina Love. I've got a feeling the discomfort is only gonna get worse, but I'll ride it. I'll shake myself up. And it will be good.

Discomfort is the word.


Other Summer Projects:

• Try to finish "First Kiss"
• Berkley's Webcasts
• Watch through Star Trek Voyager
• Save 25,000SEK

"The unknown...the unforetold, the unproven, that is what life is based on. Ignorance is the ground of thought. Unproof is the ground of action."

The quote is from "The Left Hand of Darkness" and it got me thinking about inequalities.

We fight for equality, I fight for equality. It's that one red thread throughout my adolescent and adult (so far) life. It's my passion, the one thing I can and do believe in. Yet, when I think about, really think about it, I realise I am not sure I want it. Because then what?

Inequalities offer me a chance of fighting, a cause to which I can attach my passion. In an equal world, in a perfect world there would be no room for that passion. There would be nothing to drive me, nothing to push my buttons and make my heart beat erratically. Inequalities make life worth living.

Don't get me wrong, it is wrong, but...would you really want to live in a world where there was no struggle, no obstacles to overcome?

I think Freud was onto something, only libido isn't simply about our sex-drives, it's about our passion. It's about inequalities. It's about fighting.

Constantly fighting.

I'm doing it again. I find myself writing off my grandfather before he's even dead. I did it when my other grandfather was sick (before he died) and I'm doing it now. In time with him getting sicker I am cutting off more and more ties to the physical man and cement the memories firmer in my mind.

It does make me feel cold, but at the same time I know that once the day comes the pain will not be as intense. When the day comes he will simply have walked out the door and left on a perpetual vacation. He won't be dead, he is simply gone.

That final section of the above sentence is a brilliant example of how my subconscious is already rearranging a world that has yet to change.

Life is getting me down a little at the moment. But I've got good escapism to keep me company until I level out again. I know I will, I always do, but for now I'd rather enjoy flying through the clouds of entertainment then face a reality that is about to change. My subconscious might be ready, but I'm not, not yet.

After the previous post I decided the twisting was so much fun that I didn't want to stop. This time I tackled Bride Wars (2009) for Subtle.Subtle.Subtle. If you want to read it and see the new and improved screencapped version of it click HERE.

Between the rain and the bruises I felt the need for something easy, something soft. I felt like twisting the world to my liking if only for an hour and a half, so I ended up watching Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous. The first time I saw it was another of those being blown-away by the subtext moments. On the surface it might be just another Sandra Bullock comedy flick, viewed through another set of eyes it is a gay romp.

And yes you guessed right, I ended up dissecting it for Subtle.Subtle.Subtle. If you're interested, here's the link;
http://subtlesubtlesubtle.blogspot.com/2009/06/miss-congeniality-2-armed-fabulous.html

Yesterday we were playing around in the park practising handstands and falling like ninjas. Today my pelvis is just one big bruise (as well as my shoulders and knees), and every time I lean back produces a small "ouch".

I think...I think I might be getting old.

Sometimes simple is good. Here's the recap of my recent Star Trek Voyager marathon, so far.

1x01 Caretaker Part 1 - The adventure has begun. [7/10]
1x02 Caretaker Part 2 - The adventure continues, and I didn't remember the Doctor as being funny. [7/10]
1x03 Parallax - The philosophy has begun. What is time and space, cause and effect? + Torres attitude is delicious, and she's great alongside the Captain. They're like two giant geeky over-enthused kids. Love it. [8/10]
1x04 Time and Again - The philosophy continues, this time it's more time related issues. [8/10]
1x05 Phage - Organ-snatching aliens and destructive diseases. Very classical sci-fi. [6/10]
1x06 The Cloud - For once the aliens don't have 4 fingers and a thumb, unfortunately it's not very fun when they don't. [5/10]
1x07 Eye of the Needle - More time and space distortions, I always enjoy those. [7/10]
1x08 Ex Post Facto - Tuvok gets to play Miss Marple in a kinda dull episode. Though I liked the aliens system of punishment, having the perpetraitor re-live their victims final minutes. [5/10]
1x09 Emanations - Voyager accidentally rumble with an entire society's perception of life after death. Good philosophy behind, boring ep. [5/10]
1x10 Prime Factors - Serene and relaxed aliens creep me the crap out. Not pleasant, and the ep wasn't that much fun either. [5/10]
1x11 State of Flux - There's a traitor, and it feels strangely classical again. [6/10]
1x12 Heroes and Demons - The Doctor rocks my socks. Plus all those old daydreams of the holodeck came rushing back. Also, was it just me or could Freya and Ephiny have been sisters? [7/10]
1x13 Cathexis - Things aren't what they appear to be, and there's some alien possesion. Fun. [6/10]
1x14 Faces - Torres spends an entire episode battling herself and I realise I might be turning trekkie for real, I actually find her hotter as a klingon than as a human. [8/10]
1x15 Jetrel - Neelix might be fun, but it's hard to build an entire episode around a Joxeresque chinchilla. Despite or perhaps because of the heavy topic of the episode. [5/10]
1x16 Learning Curve - Strangely soft for being a season finale. However the line, "Get the cheese to sickbay" in itself makes it worth watching. [6/10]


To sums things up I will quote my watching-buddy; brief and sporadic...but a good intro to the show.

It's warm. It's incredibly warm.

It's the kind of hot where you start wondering whether or not there are any animals that hibernate because of the heat, and if so could you please be one of them.

My mind is as blank and still as a lake on a windless day. It's all kinds of brilliant. Perhaps I should start to constantly wear a hat in order to recreate this atmosphere and keep my mind calm.

And the few times of synaptic correspondence that do occur are used for reading Ursula K. Le Guin's "The Left Hand of Darkness". A sci-fi novel dealing with the politics of first contact between a bisexual and a ambisexual society, which takes place on a planet of perpetual winter.

Life is good, and the Dude is back (it's gonna be flip-flops and milk for the rest of the summer).

After once again having been slapped with censorship in what I had thought a "safe" zone, I can't help pondering the actual concept. Is life nothing but censorship? Is that the price we have to pay if we want to socialise with other human beings? Is isolation the only way to remain free of censorship?

That line of questions lead me to ponder freedom. Can freedom exists outside of the collective? I mean, isn't freedom in itself defined through the interpersonal relationship between human beings? Can one single human being ever be free if they isolate themselves from the rest of humankind?

Either way I'm sick and tired of censorship and constantly being bitch-slapped by it. So if I suddenly disappear that means I've had it with the collective and am on my way to Alaska to breed badgers (it was originally Nebraska and squirrels, but after listening to solid arguments against, I reconsidered) while testing if freedom can exist in solitude.

Inspired by penstarr I have photodocumented A Day In My Life. Yesterday was the 25th of May and the following events took place in Uppsala, Sweden. It was my day off and it was spent relaxing, shopping and playing poker with friends. This is a slice of my life.

( A Leisurely Monday in the sun )



Now show me yours.


ps. The Paget/Prentiss posts have been discontinued due to the painful reminder they are of CM taking a break. They will return once CM does. ds.

I really should start making actual posts, but...well one of these days perhaps. In the meantime enjoy some more Baby Prentiss. And because of the latest Criminal Minds episode and Emily's gorgeous attitude, the following post should be watched while listening to; The Ditty Bops - Angel With An Attitude




( This week a tribute to kevlar )

I'm feeling the weekend blues coming along so I need a couple of Baby Prentiss pics to kick me out of my self-pitying.





( Don't go there -- too late, I went there )